Witty Facebook Status Ideas

I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones... that's why it's called a cell phone.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

I put the 'pro' in procrastination.

My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

I'm not weird, I'm limited edition.

I speak fluent sarcasm.

My daily routine: Wake up. Survive. Go back to sleep.

I'm not short. I'm fun-sized.

I used to think I was indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

If we're not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

I'm not old. I'm vintage.

Exercise? I thought you said extra fries.

I followed my heart and it led me to the fridge.

Running late is my cardio.

I'm not a morning person or a night person. I'm a 'whenever the coffee kicks in' person.

I need a six-month vacation twice a year.

Diet tip: If you eat it fast enough, the calories can't catch you.

My brain has too many tabs open.

I'm not saying I'm Batman. I'm just saying nobody has ever seen me and Batman in the same room.

I childproofed my house but they still get in.

The road to success is always under construction.

I'm not clumsy. The floor just hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the wall gets in my way.

I don't have a bad memory. I just remember things differently than they happened.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

I'm multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget all at once.

My favorite childhood memory is not paying bills.

I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

I don't have an attitude. I have a personality you can't handle.

The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

I'm not aging. I'm marinating.

I don't snore. I dream I'm a motorcycle.

I'm silently correcting your grammar.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.