Sarcastic Facebook Statuses

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.

Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a beautiful day.

I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

Oh, you're offended? I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were a professional victim.

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I thought you already knew.

Sure, I'll do it right away. And by 'right away' I mean 'eventually, maybe, if I remember.'

My patience is like my data plan. Running dangerously low.

I clapped because it's finished, not because I liked it.

I'm not late. Everyone else is just early.

I'd agree with you but then we'd both be wrong.

I'm not antisocial. I'm selectively social. There's a difference.

If I wanted to hear from an idiot, I'd watch the news.

I'm not saying I don't like mornings. I just prefer when they start at noon.

Please cancel my subscription to your issues.

If karma doesn't hit you, I gladly will.

I'm not always sarcastic. Sometimes I'm sleeping.

Tell me not to do something and watch me do it twice and take pictures.

I'm sorry I can't hear you over the sound of how right I am.

My level of sarcasm has gotten to the point where I don't even know if I'm kidding.

If you think I'm short, you should see my patience.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until they speak.

I don't have the energy to pretend to like you today.

I'm not insulting you. I'm describing you.

The trash gets picked up tomorrow. Be ready.

I'm not lazy. I'm in energy-saving mode.

My silence doesn't mean I agree with you. It means your level of stupidity left me speechless.

I'm sorry, I don't take orders. I barely take suggestions.

Not all heroes wear capes. Some just hold the door open for the person behind them so they have to awkwardly run.

I love how you state the obvious with such a sense of discovery.

Oh, you don't like me? That's okay, I don't wake up every day to impress you.

Zombies eat brains. Don't worry, you're safe.

I'm sorry for what I said when I was hungry.

My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.

I'm not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.

If you ran like your mouth, you'd be in great shape.

I'm not high maintenance. You're just low effort.

I could agree with you but then we'd both be wrong.

My favorite exercise is running my mouth.

I'm not short. I'm concentrated awesome.

Behind every successful person is a substantial amount of coffee and sarcasm.