Hilarious Facebook Status Updates

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said '40.'

I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me vacation ads.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So now I drink in front of a mirror.

I'm not lazy, I'm just in energy-saving mode until further notice.

They say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

I finally realized I'm a morning person. I love mornings. 11 a.m. is my favorite.

I don't need Google, my wife knows everything.

My bed and I have a special relationship. We're perfect for each other. But my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.

I put my phone in airplane mode, but it's not flying.

Exercise? I thought you said 'extra fries.'

I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right loudly.

My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry.

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.

I'm on the whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

My internet went down for 5 minutes, so I went downstairs and spoke to my family. They seem like nice people.

I childproofed my house, but the kids still get in.

I'm not saying I'm Batman. I'm just saying no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room together.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It's called lunch.

I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

I finally found my spirit animal. It's a tired cat.

Dear sleep, I'm sorry we broke up this morning. I want you back.

I'm at that age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

I don't have a bad memory. I have a selective memory that chooses to forget things I don't want to deal with.

Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a beautiful day.

I'm not short. I'm concentrated awesome.

I don't always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I'm probably at work.

My room is not messy. It's an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.

I'm not lazy. I'm on energy-saving mode for the environment.