Funny Status Updates for Facebook

Just changed my relationship status to 'It's complicated' because I'm fighting with my internet connection.

Today's mood: somewhere between 'meh' and 'bleh.'

I need a six-month vacation twice a year.

Behind every successful person is a substantial amount of coffee.

My daily routine: wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.

Currently experiencing life at the speed of 'Are we there yet?'

Status update: Still not rich, still not famous, still scrolling through social media.

I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.

My life feels like a test I didn't study for.

If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.

I'm not weird. I'm a limited edition.

Currently holding it all together with one bobby pin.

Do I run? Yes. Out of patience, time, and money.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge.

Running late is my cardio.

I'm not a morning person or a night person. I'm barely a person.

WiFi, food, my bed. Perfection.

I put the 'pro' in procrastination.

My life is about 25% wondering if it's too late to have coffee and 75% wondering if it's too early for wine.

I'm on a 30-day diet. So far, I've lost 15 days.

Just because I'm awake doesn't mean I'm ready to do things.

If we're not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

I need a new friend. The last one escaped.

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated to do nothing.

Please cancel my subscription to your issues.

My favorite childhood memory is not paying bills.

Apparently, RSVP'ing to a wedding with 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response.

I'm not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.

I don't have a dirty mind. I have a sexy imagination.

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop making me angry.

Life update: Currently on chapter 'What the heck is going on?'

I'm not short. I'm just more down to earth than most people.

I don't sweat, I sparkle.

My phone battery lasts longer than most of my relationships.

I'm silently correcting your grammar.

I'm not random. You just can't think as fast as me.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

I wonder what life would be like if I had said yes to drugs.